Home is Wherever I’m With You

A few weeks ago I wrote about how love songs are now reinterpreted in my head as being not about romantic love but about the love I have for my daughter. I was realizing that the same principle applies to so much more than just song lyrics– the meaning of so many concepts has changed since Darwin has come into my life. Love. Family. Free time. Productivity. It’s all different now. And today, on the eve of the first anniversary of my daughter’s birth, I’m thinking about the idea of “home.”

Home has been a tricky one for me. Growing up, we moved a lot. Sometimes just across town to a cheaper apartment, a few times bigger moves, out of state. When my parents divorced, they had joint legal custody of my sisters and myself, but our primary residence– our home– was with my mother. Jobs and relationships moved us around, making it difficult for me to feel settled, or “nested” as they say in the parenting plans I read as part of my job in the law office, in any given place. Home was where my things were. Home was where my mom was. It’s actually funny to think about that now, considering a conversation I had with my mom probably about 2 years ago when she told me she wished I would come home for a visit– to a house I had never seen, in a state I’m not sure I’ve ever even visited. I told her then that Oregon is my home now, and she took great offense to that. We have lived in our current house for longer than I ever lived in one place as a child. It’s the closest I’ve had to a stable, physical home since my parents split up over 20 years ago.

But it’s not my house that is my home. It’s my family. It’s Rachel, and it’s Darwin.

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It’s the giggles in the morning when Dar is just waking up, and it’s the snuggles at night when I’m bouncing her to sleep. It’s when she smiles so hard her face shakes (literally). It’s the tug on my hair when she’s sleepy and it’s the raspberries she blows at the end of every kiss.

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It’s Rachel giving that little caress on my shoulder as she walks by, or the sleepy smile she gives me over Dar’s shoulder as she nurses. It’s the symbol she traces on my hand in a dark theater, our personal code for “I love you.” It can be, has been and will be anywhere, but right now it’s here. Home is whenever I’m with them.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. This family is adorable!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. buggleboo says:

      Thank you! I’m rather partial to us 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel you. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. lifeasagaymom says:

    This is beautiful. A great representation to what home means to you. Home can be viewed in many ways, mainly by one’s individual experiences. Like you I moved around many times when I was younger. I think the longest I lived in a house was five years. Sadly, I had attached to that house only because five years was the longest I had ever stayed put. Little did I know that I would later learn what home really meant to me. My home now is with my boys and my wife. The security of knowing things won’t be ripped from under neath me, or my children. As adults, it’s crazy how we view things so differently. The first time I met my mother, she would always phrase the same thing ” I want you to come home”. I’m like home….? I don’t even know you and have never been to your house, let alone the State you live in. Long story short, I’m happy like you I have found peace in our home. You seem like your surrounded by so much love. Life can’t get any better than that.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. buggleboo says:

      It really is funny, isn’t it, how our experiences shape our perceptions of things that seem so straightforward? 5 years felt like a long time to me, too, when we reached that point in our current house. Now it’s been almost 10! I went to three different schools in my sixth grade year alone. I wonder if that’s why I’m so attached to my current university that I’m willing to get all my degrees from the same school even though that’s not really recommended… Well, here’s hoping my deep seated insecurities don’t mess up my professional future. Ha! (But also– YES I am surrounded by so much love and joy. I couldn’t ask for more).

      Like

  3. Home isn’t a place, it’s an idea. It really is where the heart is. I’m so happy for you – and Dar and Rachel.

    I’m happy to have a home for the first time since I was 16! Even if it is a short-term lease of a tiny apartment.

    Liked by 1 person

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