When a crying baby makes the night better

It’s been a rough 24 hours. Rachel, Darwin and I were supposed to go camping with some friends this weekend; I had even taken a day off of work to make it a long weekend. We’ve been planning it for months, and, even though I expected it to be difficult to camp with a baby, I was really looking forward to it. It was going to be the first trip Rachel and I have taken together in years that wasn’t for some highly structured event (wedding, graduation, etc). Alas, it wasn’t to be.

Rachel took our car in to the mechanic for an oil change and a checkup. It’s an ’08 but we just bought it in February, so it’s still new to us. Turns out, it needs $2500+ in repairs. (You can read Rachel’s account of it here). Not only that, but it’s probably not safe to drive for long distances– or at least, we aren’t comfortable driving it long distances, to places with which we are not familiar, with a 10 month old. So no camping.

Not only no camping, but, as Rachel mentioned in her post, the financial blow is enough for our (admittedly tentative) plans to get me pregnant this year to crumple. It’s been one thing after another this year. Rachel’s transport to the hospital during labor cost us money we weren’t expecting to have to come up with; my surgery was more expensive than anticipated; our cat got sick and we had vet bills to deal with; and finally this. Our reserves are drained. No money for another baby. Despite my earlier trepidation about another baby, I’m crushed. I’m trying hard to focus on the good– I’ll have a year of my doctoral program under my belt, we might be able to potty train Dar by the time the next baby comes, we’ll have more of a chance to get the house in order than we did before Darwin was born. But it’s hard. I’m grieving.

The stress has affected my anxiety, too. I’m an anxious person by nature, and I’ve struggled with depression most of my life. It’s been under control lately, though the past few weeks I’ve been sort of down and mildly depressed without really knowing why. But last night I had anxiety dreams. I somehow got pregnant accidentally, and I wanted to be happy but was just terrified. That’s all I really remember, but I know there was more. Then tonight, as I was trying to relax on the couch after my mother in law took us out for dinner (she’s so sweet, and knows how stressed we are about all this), I found myself falling into memories I hadn’t forgotten, but hadn’t remembered in such detail in years. Remembering being bullied by high school students on the school bus when I was 11 years old. Remembering the one kid who tried to look out for me, but the bus driver telling him he had to stay in his seat. Remembering crying to my mom, and her saying, “You know it’s not because they know I’m gay, right?” As if it had anything to do with her.

Luckily, Darwin woke up crying just as I was falling deep into that memory, and starting to feel the weight of those 5th grade tears all over again. I went in to the nursery and picked her up, feeling her familiar and comforting weight in my arms. She fell back asleep quickly with some bouncing and a lullaby. I was brought back to the present, not living in the past or worrying about the future. Just being, here, now, with my sweet baby.

Not sure why this picture uploaded sideways.

It’s hard to stay in that place, and I won’t pretend I’m not still struggling not to cry over this new expense and all that it means. But she brought me out of the darkest place I’ve been in a while now, and at least I have the strength to have that struggle. At least I’m not giving up.


7 Comments Add yours

  1. Sorry about all that. Life can be overwhelming at times and just one extra issue can send one into a tail spin. Keep looking at the positives and Gorgeous Boo , whilst you exhale through it all. With time, the links will come together.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. buggleboo says:

      Thanks for the encouragement! I know it’ll be ok in the end, but it’s so hard when I’m right in the thick of it. It’s nice having this blogging community to help me through! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lemon Drop says:

    I’m so sorry. There’s a lot to be said for not having kids in close succession but I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear right now. I hope the crying baby soon becomes the worst of your stressors.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. buggleboo says:

      Actually that’s surprisingly helpful. It doesn’t make me want to have a baby this year any less, but it helps to know maybe it won’t feel like I’m behind in life again.


  3. Friend, it really sucks to have all those unexpected expenses, and I can only imagine how terrible it is to have a dream like having a baby, delayed for a bit longer. It’s beautiful to know that Darwin can pull you out of those times when everything just seems really shitty. Sorry you guys are going through this, and I hope you have a stroke of good luck soon..maybe $25k on a scratch off?! πŸ™‚ I’ll send some luck your way…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. buggleboo says:

      Aww thanks! I’d better go buy a scratch off so your luck has a place to land! Haha. And also i keep meaning to tell you how thrilled i am for you and your family! Sorry i haven’t made it to the comments section of your blog lately, but I’ve been following along and getting so excited for you! Best wishes for a smooth ride!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks! We just decided, life will figure itself out. We’re just those people where, we kinda figured, we had nothing before, then combines 6 figure income, then twins and callie losing her job, and basically money comes and goes, but we have each other, and love, and everything else will fall into place, even if we have to eat pasta and sauce every night for a year! With money, you never really know! So we’re not gonna let that dictate our choices. Will it be hard, oh for freaking sure, but will we make it? We always do! And luck’s been sent, so spend the buck and hope for the best!

        Liked by 1 person

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